Tonight is an extra blog about Mental Health and the way my mind works.
I've got this! Or do I? Out of the 24 hours of the day, I'm probably awake for 20 hours of it. I've been struggling worse for some reason the past week with my mental health. It makes me so sad because I can't be normal like other people. But am I normal? I ask myself a lot if I'm the majority of adults now who actually do suffer from mental health issues. But then, I get angry at people because they use mental health as a way to get away with things or be so mean to other people. I don't know why I'm so upset, but I'm crying just writing this. It's so hard to live with mental health when people close to you don't understand it.
I don't want to make excuses for why I drank so much alcohol for so long, but this is the reason why I did. It numbed my pain of the past memories. It was my friend when I had no one. It was there for me when I needed someone. I would sit in my office for hours on hours alone and drink because that way I didn't have to face reality. I didn't have to be that victim of an abused child or a battered wife. I would drink, and watch movies alone in my office, or play video games or the saddest part. I would just sit there and cry for hours until I drank because it helped me to forget pain. "Just let it go!", "Put your big girl panties on!", "What's in the past is in the past!". Yes such good advice for someone who never grew up abused or abused as a spouse.
When you have a mental disorder, it means that you experience a clinically significant disturbance in an your cognition, emotional regulation, and behavior, often leading to distress or impairment in important areas of functioning. It will affect your feelings, your mood, and your behavior. It makes you unable to cope with stress. It can change your ability to relate to others. And I really struggle with relating with others. The thing that breaks my heart is that all my life, I always wished for a different life. A picture perfect holiday, or family get together. Something that didn't always end up in tears from the whole family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, feel sorry for yourself. This all started with my dad being mean to everyone in my family, and honestly it messed us all up mentally. And I'm so angry with him that I have to take medication for the rest of my life to barely cope. I'm very angry with my ex-husband because of his abuse, I look at everyone differently and also have to take medication because of him. I wasn't born with a messed up brain, but all the trauma I was exposed to for over half of my life is why I am the way I am. But there is a light in the darkness.
This WHOLE time, all the years of drinking and living my life drunk and numb. I always had someone. I had Jesus. I ignored God when he asked me to reach out to him. There were times that I didn't care about living. At times, I wanted to die. Then I wouldn't have to numb myself with alcohol. But you know what? I'm so blessed that God didn't give up on me. He already knew my story. And look at me! I am here tonight on a Saturday night watching my 10 yr old grandson play Fortnite with his friends and I laugh at him every time he says to his friends. "That's Lit!" LOL. Getting to watch my two youngest grandkids during the week to spend time with them. I taught my grandson how to say "Nana" this week and when he said it over the phone to me today I wanted to burst in tears. My middle granddaughter is spending her Spring Break with me. I am full of so much joy and thankfulness to God, because he knew this time was coming for me after my rehab and getting sober. He already knew that it wasn't my time to leave this earth. Like, the love for my grandkids is so great in my heart I can't hold back my tears even now.
For so many years, I put alcohol over my kids and grandkids and NOTHING will ever let me put anything before them again. I have the greatest relationship I've ever had in my life with my two adult kids and my grandkids. Man, if you want to put drinking or drugs or any other addiction before that then you're dumb! I was dumb!
But let me tell you this. Alcoholism is a disease and if you're drinking addiction is as bad as mine was, then most likely you can't just quit. Quitting cold turkey can kill you going through detox. That's why when I was finally serious about quitting, I admitted myself in the detox program at a hospital who accepted detox patients as long as you had insurance for it. You can say to yourself, "I'm not drinking today." But that's a lie. You're going to drink everyday that you possibly can to numb those memories and to get your high on.
The thing I struggle with most this week is that my anxiety medication hasn't been working very well, so I've been taking more than the recommended dosage. Though my medication isn't an addictive one, that can still be dangerous. So I've got to make a Dr appointment on Monday. Last night was a another tough night for me. I can't say what I seen on the internet. But I will say that what I seen, upset me so severely that I almost started to panic. My heart felt broken. I felt betrayed. I thought things were different now, but God will always show you truths about people even if it takes years. The truth will always be shown to those serving God completely and wholly. I gave that situation to God last night after crying about it until 3 am. And he's going to take care of that for me. God's love is never ending and he will never lie to us. After giving the situation to him, I felt the hole in my heart mend and he was telling me, "Michelle, I love you and everything's going to be okay." I felt his arms around me and my anxiety left me. Blessed are the ones who take refuge in him. And everyday of my new life, I'm learning to lean on him instead of worrying.
I want to thank you all for taking the time to read this blog. I don't blog on Saturday's, but all of this has been on my heart the past couple of days and wanted to share it.
I love you all dearly and pray you have a blessed Sunday.
Here is a prayer for you if you're struggling this evening.....
Heavenly Father, I come to you today with open hands and an open heart. As fear and uncertainty grow louder, quiet the noise so that I may hear your voice. Lord, through every trial and hardship, you are good. I pray for wisdom and guidance, peace and patience, that not my will but yours be done. Grant me understanding when the outcome does not go my way. Remind me that your plans are far better than my own. Open my eyes to your provision as you help me surrender control. Provide me with the strength to endure all that is yet to come. When I am full of doubt, show me your mighty hand at work. When I am scared, grow my faith bigger than my fear. When I am disheartened, guide me to seek you in the pain. When it feels like too much, let your presence feel near. Lord, you came that I may have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). Guide and direct me as I live it out. Thank you for every moment you have seen me through that has led me to this day. May all the glory be yours. Amen.
xoxoxo, Michelle Neal