Have you ever felt like the girl in the picture below?
Fridays are supposed to be good right? Today I feel just like the girl in the picture above. Always putting on a smile for everyone. Saying the things I have to say to make others feel better no matter how it makes me feel just to make them happy. Probably 93% of the time I am always making others happy forgetting about myself. Even when I'm so out of breath or when my body hurts so badly it's hard to move or even function. But here I am to the rescue for everyone else. After a while, it just gets to be too much mentally until I stop taking care of myself. But that's okay because everyone else has everything they need for a great, happy day.
O, she's just complaining, blah blah blah. No, when you have to put your feelings into a blog because no one ever asks you how you are, then this is how you vent your feelings before you break out into a deep depression. I think I'm halfway there.
This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life right now. I just published my very first book. I'm over 9 months sober. I'm going to church and saved by the grace of God. I just planted my tomato plants and Jalapenos out back in my raised flower beds. BUT I don't feel happy. I'm very sad and lonely. And honestly if it wasn't for Jesus, my husband and my sister, I would already be hiding wine bottles in my back office again. Probably Rum bottles too. I love my life, I do, I just feel lonely, and way overly stressed. Mental health is tough! And I want to thank my sister from the bottom of my heart for asking me every day how I'm doing and that she loves me and she's proud of me. And no, I'm not leaving you out hubby. Thank you as well.
People will say, "Well why do you feel that way? What did I do?" They don't understand that they didn't do anything. When you have to deal with manic depression and severe anxiety everyday of your life, every day is a new day. I pray when I wake up and pray that my day will go amazingly. Then it's up to me, but my mental health gets in the way. "Why are you depressed? Why do you have anxiety?" Well, if I knew why I'd tell myself too!
Please don't get me wrong. I absolutely love helping other people. Putting myself last has always been my number one priority since getting sober. (And even when I was drinking all the time, I put myself last every day until it came to alcohol.) But it's putting too much on me at a too soon time in my life. I can say every day when I wake up, I'm not drinking today. But I honestly don't know that. I can get liquor 4 blocks away from my house. I can be drunk at any time of the day within only 30 minutes.
Have a really bad stressful day? That's okay! I'll wait for my husband to go to bed. Then I'll head up to the store to get my fix, come home, hide it in my office closet and drink all night long. The only problem with that is that the next time I drink will be the last time. I will die next time. I won't stop drinking. I will drink myself to death. The last time was rock bottom. This time I'll be six feet under. I know this with all my heart. "So just don't do it then." O yes okay, thank you for that. Have you ever told a drug addict to just stop? Or someone addicted to porn to just stop? Or a thief to stop stealing? Or a liar to just stop lying? Well, there you go, it's not that simple for addicts.
the night I ended up in the suicide unit at the hospital, I told myself that night I wasn't going to drink. That worked out well for me. Not.
So, in all of this poor pitiful me blog, this is what I want everyone to know when you're dealing with an addict who also has mental conditions.
Here are some things you can do that would be nice to help another person feel like they are meant to be here on Earth.
1. Appreciate what they do for you.
2. Say thank you often.
3. Ask them if you can do anything for them or ask them how their day was.
4. Invite them out for lunch or a movie date.
5. Just sit down and have a nice conversation together.
6. Pray for them.
7. Give them a hug and tell say you love them, and you care about them.
8. Tell them you're proud of them.
I can go on, and on and on with these.....
So many different things you can do for someone else to make them feel important.
It's very easy to get wrapped up in our own lives and drama and forget about those who help you the most in your life.
Please don't forget about those people. They will be gone one day. There are always so many, "I should haves" after someone dies.
So, there is my Friday blog. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll see you all Monday.
xoxoxo, Michelle Neal