My life in Recovery

According to the U.S. Department of Health, more than 20 million people in the United States have a substance use disorder, and most of them don’t get the treatment they need. I have struggled with alcohol abuse from the age of 18. So many people and even some of my friends can't do anything socially unless alcohol is involved and I used to be the same exact way. I wouldn't even eat at a restaurant unless they served alcohol.

I will begin with me hitting ROCK BOTTOM in July of 2024.

I didn't drink everyday, but I will say I was drinking heavily 5 days out of the 7 days a week. The 2 days of not drinking was either because I was overly hungover or I didn't have the funds. My life was in shambles. I walked away from my church. I hurt so many people who loved me the most from putting alcohol above them. I would hide my drinking. I would hide wine bottles and beer cans in my office. I would go get more alcohol after my husband was in bed so he wouldn't know I got more alcohol. I would go to work drunk or fill a Stanley cup full of wine to go to work with. There were moments I don't even remember leaving work because I was so drunk.

I can go on and on and on just with the things that I did from April-July 2024! I take prescription medication 3 times daily for PTSD, Severe Anxiety Disorder, Severe Social Anxiety and Manic Depression. You cannot take these prescriptions with alcohol the way I was and actually expect any of those medications to work correctly. It was a complete mess! 

One night in July, I decided I was going to go up to a local bar and grill to enjoy some karaoke. I started off just sitting alone at a table alone listening to people sing and just having a good, chill evening. After about 4 or 5 glasses of wine, I eventually ended up at the bar drinking and sitting closer to the singers. I was talking to everyone just enjoying being a social drunk. You see, I'm a closet alcoholic. A closet alcoholic is someone who hides their alcohol abuse from friends, family, and coworkers. Otherwise referred to as a high-functioning alcoholic, a closet drinker or alcoholic will go to great lengths to hide their excessive drinking from loved ones, bosses, and coworkers. So, for me that night I felt really special to be drinking with others and not feeling guilty for my actions.

After drinking, I'm sure around 2 bottles of wine or maybe even more, "my new friends" were buying me shots and I don't even know what all I drank that night.

The next morning I woke up in the suicide unit in a hospital bed. I remember opening my eyes, looking around the room and thinking to myself, "O no, what did I do last night".  If you are a drinker and can't control your alcohol consumption, then you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. I have never in my life woke up in a suicide room though. 

The night before at the bar I had drank so much that my memory blacked out. I was trying to fight some of the other women there and caused a fiasco! I was told to leave and not come back. I apparently did leave, but then I went back to the bar. I probably forgot what I was doing and didn't even remember that I was asked to leave. So I returned thinking everything was alright. That is all I know about that night, and I don't remember it. That was just what I was told. Eventually I finally left. I have no idea where I went or anything, but I ended up with a broken leg and I don't know if it happened during a fight or if I fell. The local police was called because someone seen me and that I was not acting normal. The police came and I was telling them that I only want to die and that I was going to kill myself so they had no choice to call an ambulance for my own safety to have me sent to the hospital to be kept on suicide watch.

Waking up in the suicide room was cold, quiet, scary and embarrassing. I was dirty, scraped up all over and my leg was broken. I had shattered my fibula bone. I was in so much pain that it hurt to even try to roll over on my side. I will post a picture for you all to see under this blog when I'm finished. Since I was on suicide watch, they hadn't even examined my leg yet. I begged them to wrap it because I knew it was broken. I don't know if they didn't believe me or if they wanted me to suffer. But I reckon I kind of deserved to suffer from the way I behaved the  night before. Getting to finally leave the hospital was the greatest feeling in the world so I thought.

After returning home, with my leg now professionally bandaged the way it was supposed to be, I swore to sobriety! I was never going to drink ever again! No, that was a lie. And deep down I knew it. not even 2 weeks after breaking my leg and not being able to drive, I was WALKING to the liquor store to get wine WITH MY BROKEN LEG. Starting my cycle all over again. Drink, drink, drink and nothing else was important. I was on the tip of getting divorced and my world was completely wrecked with other relationships as well. I continued to drink for about another 2 weeks straight. Then I knew, this time I am going to die. I was going to die at 50 years old from drinking. 

I took a stand once and for all for myself. All on my own! No help, no one telling me what to do. I knew what I had to do. I reached out to a local hospital in Joplin, Missouri to an organization within the hospital called "The Step One Program". I told the girl on e phone, "I need help. I'm a drunk and I'm going to die." Her name was Lauren and she showed me over the phone how much she cared and wanted to help me. She was going to do everything she possibly could to get me onto their detox floor in the hospital. The next day I was admitted into the detox unit. 

Being in detox is very scary and real! I was severely dehydrated upon admittance. It was even hard to walk. And not because of my broken leg. My body felt like it was shutting down due to poor nutrition. The first thing they do is ask many questions, which were already answered before admittance. Then they hook you up to IV's to give you proper medication and to re hydrate your body. I'll never forget when the Dr came into my room to discuss the possibility of dying during my detox and if it was okay to resuscitate me In case I was trying to die. That's the point I knew how bad I was. 

The worst outcome from alcohol detox is death. To ensure the safety of the client, detox should be monitored by medical professionals. The professionals are trained to assist in the event of an emergency and to ensure comfort and relieve symptoms during the withdrawal process. It took me 3 days being in the hospital before I even began to feel not as dehydrated. Admitting myself to the Step One Program saved my life! I was in the hospital detox for 5 days and with the program I was in, they helped me to find an inpatient rehab facility where I could go immediately after detox. See, I couldn't go back home and I knew this. I would have drank again eventually. So after I got checked out from the hospital, I had family take me home to pack my bags and I went straight to the rehab facility which was 3 hours from where I lived.

Listen, this was my very first time being in an inpatient rehab facility. I will tell you now that if you're not serious about changing your life, then don't even bother. I was in the facility with around 20-30 different residents here and there depending when they would show up or check out. Some of the residents had been there 3-4 times or even more. Now I will tell you the pros and cons of going to an inpatient rehab facility. Cons First! And remember this is ONLY from my experience from where I stayed.

CONS : Sharing a space with other people, especially if they cause trouble, are not serious or just in there because they think it's another episode of Big Brother.
Never knowing who your roommate is going to be or how they will act 24/7 depending on their drug of choice or mental instabilities.
Group sessions where every resident attends and you have to listen to constant complaining and residents not paying attention to the counselor teaching the class.
Certain licensed counselors taking favor to specific residents only paying attention to certain people that they like depending on sex.
DRAMA within the residents. Especially with the younger residents.
The different ages of having to go to classes ranging from the ages of 18 and up to no certain age.
People hooking up like it's a dating show and even cheating on spouses, etc.
AA classes where it's not divided, but a lot of people where I stayed didn't believe in God, so they worked a different book that was based on Science.

PROS : Getting the help you need! Only if you're serious about fixing your life and being serious about recovery!
My first week and a half there, I didn't have to share a room.
When I did share a room, I got a decent roommate. But she did end up getting attached to another man there while she was also married and that was very annoying.
You get to see a professional Dr who is dedicated to seeing you 2 times a week or more to get your medications in line and getting you on the right track.
A nutritional 3 meals a day and unlimited healthy snacks.
A warm roof over your head with cozy blankets to cover up with.
A personal licensed therapist that you have 1 on 1 sessions with.
Classes 3 to 4 times a day where you learn different things,
Art
Horse Equine
Daily Exercise
Yoga
Any many lessons teaching you about addiction.

In the end, it was all worth it for me because I went into the program with all seriousness of wanting to change my life. I know of many people I was in rehab with who are already back in there. Some people will only go because it's court ordered or to keep them out of jail. But if you really want to change your life, do it!

Today I am 7 months and 2 weeks sober! My life has completely changed. I am healthy, happy and renewed in my faith. I have mended broken relationships and so much more. I am alive and have so many things to live for and can't wait for my future self every day I open my eyes.

Thank you for reading my story. If you or a loved one is suffering with addiction, please go to my for Resources for Recovery page and click the right link for help!

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal